The next part of this blog may offend if you have a week stomach or do not have a sense of humour. I am recounting a story that was on the menu as a joke of the day at a cool pub in ski country. Most of you maybe familiar with a couple the feeling except not as bad as this person suffered:
Colonoscopy Memories
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep', which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of our enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before the colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of teh powder together with in a one liter plastic jog, then you fill it with luke warm water. Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state after you drink it, a ''loose' watery bowel movement may result'. This is kind of like saying after you jumop off a roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be to graphic here, but, have you ever seen the space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the toilet seat had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to hte washroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel start to travel into the future and expelling food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action packer evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'what if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I to to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by a sadist pervert, the kind that, when you put it on makes you feel more naked than when you were actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a needle in a vein in my left arm. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some of the people actually put Vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself to tipsy to make it to the washroom, so you were staggering in full Fire Hose mode bouncing off the walls like a Looney Tunes cartoon, You would have no choice but to burn your house!!!I let my 77 year old fairly prudish mother in law read this, she almost peed her pants! You have ot admit it is hilarious at the expense of others!
So, I am off to have al early diner. Thank you to Kelownagurl for her recipe page, I will let you know how it was. Having an early meal as I am going to head off to the pool after I digest and have a little swim and drill practice tonight!
Have a great evening and enjoy your accomplishments! Cheers
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