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Saturday, December 19, 2009

Don't you love the Gym!

I am lazy today so I am borrowing a little bit that made me laugh! I apologize for the odd word, it may offend. Guys/Girls, change the sex of the person as required.
>A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY...>>> >>If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong>>with you.  This is dedicated to everyone who has ever attempted to get>>into a regular workout routine.>> >>Dear Diary:>>For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week>>of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am>>still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs>>ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.  I>>called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named>>Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and>>model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my>>enthusiasm to get started!  The club encouraged me to keep a diary to>>chart my progress.>> >>MONDAY:>>Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth>>it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She>>was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a>>dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on>>the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I>>attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.  I>>enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics>>class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as>>I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in>>the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!>> >>TUESDAY:>>I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.>>Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air>>and then she put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the>>treadmill, but I made the full mile.  Belinda's rewarding smile made it>>all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.>> >>WEDNESDAY:>>The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the>>counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a>>hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to>>steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.>>Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the>>other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the>>morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY>>annoying.  My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me>>on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to>>simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Belinda told me it>>would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  She said some other shit>>too.>> >>THURSDAY:>>Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her>>thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't help>>being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda>>took me to workout with dumbbells.  When she was not looking, I ran and>>hid in the men's room.  She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,>>put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.>> >>FRIDAY:>>I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any>>other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anaemic>>little cheerleading bitch.  If there were a part of my body that could>>move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.  Belinda wanted>>me to work on my triceps.  I don't have any triceps!  And if you don't>>want dents in the floor, don't hand me the f&%#(#&** barbells or>>anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off>>and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have>>been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?>> >>SATURDAY:>>Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly>>voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing her made me>>want to smash the machine with my planner.  However, I lacked the>>strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight>>hours of the Weather Channel.>> >>SUNDAY:>>I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and>>thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year, my>>wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root>>canal or a vasectomy

1 comment:

  1. HAHAHA! That was fantastic! Thank you for posting that, it brightened up my afternoon :D